Dearest Coffee Shop Squatters: Get the feck out!

This is directed at no one and everyone at once. NaNoWriMo participants, take these words to heart. You, too, college students. Though they're vitriolic, they're typed with your best interests in mind. Believe me, you don't want to make the clerks mad.

I have the unique displeasure of working two nights a week at a coffee shop. On a good night, I sell four cups of coffee. Four cups. I brew twelve at the start of my shift, and have to throw away what I don't sell so it doesn't get gross overnight. That's eight cups I'm dumping on a good night. This is highly frustrating in and of itself, but when you factor in the squatters it becomes almost intolerable.

I know people who read my blog are likely involved in NaNoWriMo, and are thus (if my research is reliable) obsessed with three things: Chocolate, cats, and coffee. Why? I don't know. I'm doing NaNoWriMo, and I'm pretty neutral on two of those three things. The point stands, though, that NaNoWriMo participants tend to spend a lot of time in coffee shops.

If you're going to chill in a coffee shop, for Christ's sake, buy something.

I don't mean a two dollar, paper cup, no cream, no nothing cup of coffee you nurse like a cautious drunk for four hours, sipping away at the watery dregs until you hit your wordcount quota. A lot of shops carry food, so order your breakfast or lunch there. Get a snack. If you're there for more than four goddamn hours (and God help you if you are), order something new when you've exhausted your first stack of snacks.

Just because we haven't asked you to leave doesn't mean we're cool with you.

Many shop managers, especially in chain shops, discourage workers from chasing squatters away. As far as I can tell, the mentality behind this is that offending any potential customer could hurt business. I think it's more harmful to let one jerk with a laptop take up a three person table you could fill with three paying customers. The simple truth of the matter is that, while the clerks may never mention your taking up space for five hours, they may very well be quietly infuriated with you.

Don't change the radio/CD/TV/anything unless you've bought something.

Taking any 'undue' privileges with entertainment doodads in the shop will only cement your image as a mooching, entitled d-bag in the minds of the clerks.

If you're staying longer than, say, two hours, order regularly.

I know a lot of people take forever to finish eating a meal or drinking something really good, but two hours is stretching it. If you've hit the two hour mark and still have work to do, go get another cup of coffee, or some tea, or anything.

If you can, have someone with you to chat with and possibly split the cost of snacks.

This is weird advice, but it serves a dual purpose. The first and most obvious is that two people can easily split the average coffee shop sandwich and get decent portions. The same can be said of desserts and drinks. The second, more subversive purpose is that of deceiving the clerks into thinking you have reason (the friend's presence) to stay longer than you normally would. In this situation, the food ceases to be as important as the interaction, and many people will assume you're there to meet a friend rather than fill nutritional needs.

For the types of people drawn to coffee shops, distancing oneself from the label of Squatting Douchebag is very important. A guy who comes in, orders one coffee, and sprawls out on the central couch with a laptop for four hours is a freaking eyesore. However, a guy who orders regularly for those four hours and doesn't act like he's Lord of Starbucks is a regular, maybe even someone the clerks look forward to seeing every other day.

Don't be the Squatting Douchebag. Be the Quirky Writer Dude, who tips decently and gives his laptop really intense looks for no discernible reason.